Leave me alone!

Today was the absolute and final straw in the whole 'me and you' saga! I was seriously getting sick and tired of you expecting me to suddenly forgive and forget all the mean, hateful, nasty things you have been doing to me every since I answered your damn email on OkCupid! I do not for the life of me understand how you feel that what you did wasn't cheating and lying to me. It doesn't matter anymore though because in the end you will make sure that I look like the bad guy in all of this and if that is what makes you happy and allows your world to continue to rotate then so be it. I personally know my part in all of this and I have to say what I did was wrong. I wanted to be done with you almost immediately but like a fool I thought you could change and I would see you once again as the man I fell in love with so long ago. That didn't happen and all I saw was your constant deterioration to the person I knew I didn't want to be with anymore back in late December of 2010. I quit kissing you and having sex with you for a very valid reason, I did not trust you anymore. I honestly do not know who you were kissing or having sex with when I wasn't around. I do know that you were still keeping in contact with Shannon after you supposedly told her to quit texting and calling you. I do not believe for one single second that you severed that relationship for me, she filled a sick need for you to be a 'ladies man'. Enjoy because I do not desire to be a bevy of anything to anyone. I deserve to be treated like I matter and like I am worth something and I am going to find that from someone someday. I don't know when it will happen but as long as I am true to myself and hold my head high I am bound to find a person to treat me as their equal. With all of this being said, I have just a few last minute comments as to why in the last couple months I have specifically chosen to not kiss you or have sex with you. It wasn't just because of all the stuff you did and the knowing that you were cheating. It was this specifically- I have never enjoyed kissing you because honestly you are not that good at it at all, I have never really enjoyed sex with you unless you were using your right hand. I need more than 30 seconds of actual intercourse to fill my needs, so yes maybe a 'marathoner' is a much better fit for me all around. I am not trying to be mean here just stating a factual reason for me withholding certain things from you. When I said I didn't want to kiss you because of the rape I meant that as well, I don't need flashbacks and lately your whole attitude with me did nothing but make me feel like I did the day I was raped. I will not willingly give that power to anyone and by me not doing that was me taking control for my sanity so make fun of me some more if that makes you feel better.I am done....have a good life and I really hope you treat the next person that comes along a whole lot better than you ever did me!  


I've been thinking and I am still pissed at you because you are a coward! Every time you have one of your temper tantrums and decide I am doing imaginary things to you, you text me or send me an IM telling me off and deciding that we don't belong together. It's not the not belonging together that irritates me at all its the whole way you do it. Be a friggin man and talk to me face to face and quit hiding behind a computer or cell phone. I absolutely deserve a lot more respect than that and you cannot seem to be enough of a human being to actually give that to me. I hope more than anything the last text I got from you was just that...the LAST TEXT ever. I have zero intention of ever needing to speak to you again or to see you in person. I have moved on with my entire life and no where in it are you ever thought of. The only reason I am writing this now is to get the very last bit of anger towards you off my chest once and for all. SO adios, goodbye, farewell, so long..........

So happy! ! !

I am so relieved to have all of this over. I knew you weren't going to change and I am glad I never let myself feel more than a friendship thing. I was not about to be made a fool of like I was last time and I feel that me telling you to never text or call me again was in my best interest. I do not need to be made to feel inferior to anyone and I do not need to feel like I am just a temporary person taking up space while someone finds someone else. I should have left the day I say you were trolling dating sites but like an idiot I believed your story, but only for a moment. No one is worth as much heartache as I have went through to just say they have a significant other. I am pleased I never got back into the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It wasn't worth my time. In the end I am very happy with the decision I made and I will stick to it forever. I wish you the very best in life and I hope you find someone who loves you immensely. I honestly wish you nothing but the very best life has to offer.

Shannon?

I have been thinking for the last few days about what Reece said the other day. " We cant go to Burger King cuz Shannon is mad at you". This has been something I have been trying to figure out. I dont expect you to feel like you have to answer to me. I guess the whole statement has left me wondering many things. I dont exactly know how to say it without sounding like I am jealous or that I feel I need to worry, I guess I just have to ask it and see what happens. Are you still going to Burger King where she works and talking to her? Is she still on your phone? When I know the answer to these questions I will feel able to get thoughts in my head to disappear. Please dont lie to me, please have enough respect for me to be 1000000000% truthful, I need to know.

Yesterday

Yesterday was very emotional for me. I think things are going great between us then I feel like I am thrown a major curve ball. I love it when we have very intimate talks together. What I dont love is hearing how his mom thinks I am manipulative. I dont think I am in the way she feels I am at all. I can admit that I have done things to manipulate things my way when I was a lot younger, but now as an adult I dont feel that is a necessary evil in my life. I am not looking to trap anyone to be with me, I dont want to be taken care of and I dont want people to pity me. All I want is to be loved and feel like I am actually loved. Do I ever feel like this will happen, I am going to respond with never say never. I used to think in no way would it happen. I have to hold out hope for something in my life and why shouldnt love be a part of it?


I am still so confused about everything between us. I DO NOT want to rush into anything but I also feel like there is the proverbial elephant in the room. I dont like walking on eggshells either and I kinda feel like I have to all the time. He kidded with me the other day and kept saying he was going to dump me and I was really taking that seriously and very hard. I hate feeling like this but I dont know what to do with these feelings.  

My Fear

Today I know you went to your parents for the day and this is a huge fear for me. I know how they feel and I know they have a ton of influence on you. I was really sure that it would end with a phone call from you on your way home telling me you never want to speak to me again. I was in shock when you called and that didnt happen. I guess I am waiting for it to actually happen. I have no doubt that it will happen, just when it does happen. I am preparing myself for it in the long scheme of things. I know it will happen again I just dont know the when yet. Yes I know I am waiting for the other shoe to drop but I feel like a skittish dog in a thunder storm. I know the lightening and thunder will happen just not before it does.

Serious

I just want you to know I was very serious when I said I dont want you to think you need to take care of me. I like to be as independent as possible and I am dependent enough right now. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to live where I do but until I get the money I need I cant change that fact. It is however my top priority when I do get my disbursement. 


I just want to date and see what happens and where we go. I think I am not a first choice and that I am not the perfect one for you. I dont know that I am a good fit for any man actually. Im still trying to be someone I know in my heart I am not. I know that I want someone to look at me and see the real me, the person I do know that I am. 


I know the point where I am in right now. I know that I dont require people to make me, me. I dont need anyone or anymore crap. I was honest with you about my mom and my dad and you can see how I have basically deleted them from my life. I will not allow them to continue to make me feel worse about who I am than I have my entire life. If I have to be alone forever then thats the way it has to be.

Even more confused

I feel like I am obsessing about things that I cant do anything about. I spent half the night thinking about the past, and the current. The things that I need changed still need to be changed and the things I need to change I have been trying to change. I really do nt want to be someones left over or someone that anyone would be with because it may be easier. I want a sort of fairy tale type thing. I want to be romanced, dated, and then if doing these things leads to true feelings between me and another than so be it. I want to walk through life with my head held high and know that I am important, not just to my kids but to myself too. 


I want to be seen for who I think I am, the person I see myself as not as someone the world hates. I feel like my life has been one mistake after another and I know that I have a large part in that. I would love to have that feeling that I can do anything I set my mind to but I am not sure I can. I feel more vunerable now than I ever have and I feel more judged than I ever have. 


I just want the person who wants to be with me to stand up with me, hold my hand when I am sad and lonely, dry my tears when I  cry, be there for me and listen to me, laugh with me, and know that I make them feel like the most important person in the world. If you feel the way you say you do about me, someday in some way I hope you can make others see me. Really see me, through your eyes. I dont know, maybe I am asking or expecting too much from any one person.