Yesterday

Yesterday was very emotional for me. I think things are going great between us then I feel like I am thrown a major curve ball. I love it when we have very intimate talks together. What I dont love is hearing how his mom thinks I am manipulative. I dont think I am in the way she feels I am at all. I can admit that I have done things to manipulate things my way when I was a lot younger, but now as an adult I dont feel that is a necessary evil in my life. I am not looking to trap anyone to be with me, I dont want to be taken care of and I dont want people to pity me. All I want is to be loved and feel like I am actually loved. Do I ever feel like this will happen, I am going to respond with never say never. I used to think in no way would it happen. I have to hold out hope for something in my life and why shouldnt love be a part of it?


I am still so confused about everything between us. I DO NOT want to rush into anything but I also feel like there is the proverbial elephant in the room. I dont like walking on eggshells either and I kinda feel like I have to all the time. He kidded with me the other day and kept saying he was going to dump me and I was really taking that seriously and very hard. I hate feeling like this but I dont know what to do with these feelings.  

My Fear

Today I know you went to your parents for the day and this is a huge fear for me. I know how they feel and I know they have a ton of influence on you. I was really sure that it would end with a phone call from you on your way home telling me you never want to speak to me again. I was in shock when you called and that didnt happen. I guess I am waiting for it to actually happen. I have no doubt that it will happen, just when it does happen. I am preparing myself for it in the long scheme of things. I know it will happen again I just dont know the when yet. Yes I know I am waiting for the other shoe to drop but I feel like a skittish dog in a thunder storm. I know the lightening and thunder will happen just not before it does.

Serious

I just want you to know I was very serious when I said I dont want you to think you need to take care of me. I like to be as independent as possible and I am dependent enough right now. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to live where I do but until I get the money I need I cant change that fact. It is however my top priority when I do get my disbursement. 


I just want to date and see what happens and where we go. I think I am not a first choice and that I am not the perfect one for you. I dont know that I am a good fit for any man actually. Im still trying to be someone I know in my heart I am not. I know that I want someone to look at me and see the real me, the person I do know that I am. 


I know the point where I am in right now. I know that I dont require people to make me, me. I dont need anyone or anymore crap. I was honest with you about my mom and my dad and you can see how I have basically deleted them from my life. I will not allow them to continue to make me feel worse about who I am than I have my entire life. If I have to be alone forever then thats the way it has to be.

Even more confused

I feel like I am obsessing about things that I cant do anything about. I spent half the night thinking about the past, and the current. The things that I need changed still need to be changed and the things I need to change I have been trying to change. I really do nt want to be someones left over or someone that anyone would be with because it may be easier. I want a sort of fairy tale type thing. I want to be romanced, dated, and then if doing these things leads to true feelings between me and another than so be it. I want to walk through life with my head held high and know that I am important, not just to my kids but to myself too. 


I want to be seen for who I think I am, the person I see myself as not as someone the world hates. I feel like my life has been one mistake after another and I know that I have a large part in that. I would love to have that feeling that I can do anything I set my mind to but I am not sure I can. I feel more vunerable now than I ever have and I feel more judged than I ever have. 


I just want the person who wants to be with me to stand up with me, hold my hand when I am sad and lonely, dry my tears when I  cry, be there for me and listen to me, laugh with me, and know that I make them feel like the most important person in the world. If you feel the way you say you do about me, someday in some way I hope you can make others see me. Really see me, through your eyes. I dont know, maybe I am asking or expecting too much from any one person. 

Accepting?

I am just wondering what it is going to take for you to see things from my point of view.I feel like I am under a microscope and that I am being judged on everything I say and do. I do not want anyone telling me who I am or that I have said or done things that I didnt have any control over. I am not going to be put down and I am not going to have anyone call my kids names. I dont want you to think I am in any way bitching, I am not I just want you to know that I meant what I said last week about my sons and about other people getting into our potential relationship. I dont want to be where we were before. I want this to be different, I would like for this to be taken slowly and as I said just date until we agree it can be more. You said your mom and dad hate me because they feel I lied and that I am manipulative. As christians wouldnt it be the right thing to do by actually not judging me and actually getting to know who I really am. Not right now of course but when the time is right.I hope that this is coming across right and not as me being petty or bitchy. My eyes are just wide open, and I am really trying to not let the same things bother me. So, my question to you is, are you still sure I am what you want?

Good Enough?

I think I understand what I am feeling a little better than I did before. I am almost positive that the reason I am still angry is because I am not good enough. I think I have always known it but when it really hit me was when he actually broke up with me. I am sure I was in denial because of all the previous times he dumped me. I know that I am so flawed I can't get out of my own way on occasion but to continually throw me away? I know that I am angry as all get out because it was a matter of like two days before he was out seeing other women.I used to think I had meant more to him than that but I never really did. I used to think I mattered, but that all changed. 


A part of me always hoped that I was the one he couldn't forget, the one that would leave him breathless at the sight of me, the one that no one else could ever compare to. What I discovered in the last 5 months was that I am not. I used to think we had an epic love, one that was going to carry us through anything. A huge part of me always hoped that I was more than I was. 


I realize we are 'seeing' each other at this point but I have no trust in him at all. He still has all kinds of womens pictures on his phone and their numbers in his cell. I don't know for sure but I also believe he may have saved texts from these women. BUT, since we are not boyfriend/girlfriend then who am I to complain. I also have the hurdle of people in his life seeing the real me. The one none of them has taken the time to actually know, which makes me wonder what is said about me when I don't know about it.


This is all so very scary to me. I have a billion and one questions in my head that I would love to have answered but I pretty sure they will never be answered. I've only done this once before, tried to give someone a second chance, it bit me in the ass. This literally would be Tim's sixth chance. I really don't want to get bit in the ass ever again, so until I know without a doubt that I matter there is no way I am letting my guard down.

Realizations

I came to a few conclusions about my life last night and it is things I have always felt but never really labeled myself to. Well today I decide its best to just wear the label proudly. Ok let me get right to the point. I was never supposed to be and in my being born I have literally ruined peoples lives. All because of a choice I didnt make I was born and the two people responsible for making me have made it very clear to me that they should have aborted me. Most days I feel that would have been the better choice. I have single handedly managed to ruin everything I touch. I make poor choices and I have trouble keeping people in my life. I think it is some sort of really messed up defense mechanism for me. 


I never asked to be born and I never expected to be told all my life that I was worthless but the sad fact of the matter is all this happens, not happened but continues to happen. I am constantly being thrown away and I have come to take this in stride. I feel like I treat people the way I would like them to treat me but I really dont get that in return so I just quit talking to them. Is that really the healthiest option? No, not really but it helps me in some sick twisted way.


Once upon a time there was a person I gave my all to. Someone I wanted to be with forever, someone I trusted and someone who I tried to share everything with. That got thrown in my face and thrown away too so once again I was left alone, broken and battered.


I have forgiven everyone who I feel has ever hurt me. I have even managed to get over most of it. I dont cry and I am pretty much a lump, a fat lump of emotionless nothing. I do hold love in my heart and I do still give love, I am just feeling like being extremely cautious. I have to know I am not going to be treated in a bad way before I can trust again. I want some assurances but I have no idea what they are right now.

my vciew

I need a freind, and I want love.
Friendship can live without love,
but Love cannot survive without friendship.

Grrrr

OMG I just have to get this off my chest. I am sick and tired of being an excuse in peoples lives. All I have ever wanted is to feel important and that for just once I really mattered. I have literally made so many peoples lives hell since the day I was born. I am an excuse for them to feel better about who they are and how they act towards me. I am now going to accept all that fault, cried about it and now I will never let myself cry again. Crying is a healthy emotion for everyone but me. It makes me feel and I just want to be numb from now on. My children deserve to have someone who isnt such a loser but I will never give up on them. I guess what my conclusion is, is that I am not going to let people make me feel any worse than they already do. I am as low as I want to go and I have blame in this too and I do accept that blame. 

Morbid Curosity?

Ok this is entitled so because I am more than confused now. I have a few issues with the whole Shannon thing. I guess they decided to not see each other awhile ago. Yet they still text each other back and forth? He said Thursday that after he mowed his parents lawn she sent him several text messages. He responded to them but also said he felt like she was stalking him. She mentioned seeing him when he says she didnt even know where his parents lived so how could she have known where he was and what he was doing unless he lied to me and told her where he was going to be that day and what exactly he would be doing. Maybe I still have some severe trust issues. 


I know he says he told her he was with me and that she said good luck and that she would always love him. Yet he says they were never serious? None of this makes sense in my head and I feel like there are pieces missing that I dont fully see. There is also the fact that for some reason her name comes up an awful lot. Is he really over her? Am I a rebound for him? 


I need simple assurances, I need to know that this is not going to be a huge mistake for me again. I need to not be looking for everything to just feel wrong. I dont feel worthy of anything anymore. I just feel like I am roaming around the world alone and lost. I want to know that Im not a fool and that I actually matter to someone. 


Never mind I should just shut up and get over it.

Thoughts

Ok its been months since I have written anything on this blog because Tim threw me away on February 24, 2011. I had a very hard time with it because it just didnt make sense. I tried for a few weeks after to figure it all out but gave up because I just couldnt see where I went wrong. I am not saying I am perfect at all just that I tried really hard in that relationship to be the best person I am and treat a man the way he should be treated and hope I got the same in return. Well that all worked for awhile and then one day wham it just ended and on this day, I found out I was right all along. Now I dont enjoy that I was right and I take no higher meaning to it, just a sense of an aha moment I think. 


Well lets turn this up a little notch. Since the breakup we had spoken maybe 2 or 3 times. Never anything meaningful and always short and polite. Basically hi, how are you and where is this and thanks. So imagine my suprise, knowing that I was finally feeling good about being alone and life being ok, Tim contacts me and wants to know if i can meet him for coffee. We messaged each other back and forth for a bit then he called me and we talked. We decided that I would go meet him for a coffee. 


I had plans this morning and originally we were to meet at 2 PM. Well during the phone conversation last night he asked if I could come earlier. I told him when I was done running errands I would call and let him know I was on my way. So, I finished my errands and called to say I should be to his house in 45 minutes or so. 


I get there and he opens the door and I didnt really know what to say, so I think I muttered so whats up? He said nothing and we awkwardly stood at the doorway for a couple minutes. Then we walked into the living room and talked for a second and he asked if I wanted to go get that coffee and exchange my necklace that I had bought. I said sure and proceeded out to the garage, he stops in the middle of the kitchen turns and asks for a hug, which I gave him. He had tears in his eyes and mumbled that he missed me. Ok here is where I get confused. 


We went got coffee, took my necklace to be exchanged and then I treated him to lunch. We made a lot of small talk about all the women he dated in the last 5 months and how they didnt compare to me, I felt pleasantly suprised and intrigued as well. I had figured he was way over me months ago and that I meant nothing at all to him not even a friend.


We ate, then went back to his house. We sat on the couch and decided to watch a movie, it wasnt that great. About 20 minutes into the movie he grabs my hand and asks if it is ok to hold me hand. I let him all the while thinking to myself that I had no idea where this was going or how to proceed. I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. He then proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking of me a lot since he broke up with me and that lately he was thinking of me more and more often. I was in shock. I didnt really expect this conversation to ever happen and was almost in denial that it actually was taking place. We discussed how things happened and the real reason he broke up with me and then he asked me to give him a real hug. He then kissed me, another shock. 


We sat back down, movie forgotten and talked some more. I made it clear that if we try again I was in no hurry to be treated like i was before and that no outside influences would be a consideration for how the relationship was. That being said he wants to be friends, still confused if you havent guessed. Call me weird but if I want to hold hands with someone and kiss them, then I want more than a friend title. I want to know that I am the only one whose hand is being held and that I am the only one whose mouth is being kissed. A 'friend' doesnt get those rules. Please dont get me wrong, I do not want to go back where we were no do I want to jump into the frying pan. I would like some security knowing that if he is serious, I deserve a different title than just a 'friend'. 


I dont think I am asking too much. I have not been with anyone else at all since the break up. I have not had sex with anyone and I have not gone on any dates. I was just comfortable with being single and being a good mom to my kids. Where did that leave me when I finally left his house about 7 hours later? I guess right where i was when I got there only confused and bewildered. I am in no way wanting to rush anyone into anything. I would love to have a relationship where it just develops. No time line, no saying this is where we have to be in x amount of dates, or months. I guess what I want is an assurance. Which I didnt get. I know that since I kissed him and held his hand I am not going to attempt to talk to other men, nor do I have myself on any dating sites. I will not answer phone calls from another man looking for a relationship, I have deleted all previous men that I once chatted with and I do not intend to speak to them at all. 


So, this is where I leave you. Me wondering and you with all the answers. Will I get any, do I deserve any and how do I feel?