Realizations

I came to a few conclusions about my life last night and it is things I have always felt but never really labeled myself to. Well today I decide its best to just wear the label proudly. Ok let me get right to the point. I was never supposed to be and in my being born I have literally ruined peoples lives. All because of a choice I didnt make I was born and the two people responsible for making me have made it very clear to me that they should have aborted me. Most days I feel that would have been the better choice. I have single handedly managed to ruin everything I touch. I make poor choices and I have trouble keeping people in my life. I think it is some sort of really messed up defense mechanism for me. 


I never asked to be born and I never expected to be told all my life that I was worthless but the sad fact of the matter is all this happens, not happened but continues to happen. I am constantly being thrown away and I have come to take this in stride. I feel like I treat people the way I would like them to treat me but I really dont get that in return so I just quit talking to them. Is that really the healthiest option? No, not really but it helps me in some sick twisted way.


Once upon a time there was a person I gave my all to. Someone I wanted to be with forever, someone I trusted and someone who I tried to share everything with. That got thrown in my face and thrown away too so once again I was left alone, broken and battered.


I have forgiven everyone who I feel has ever hurt me. I have even managed to get over most of it. I dont cry and I am pretty much a lump, a fat lump of emotionless nothing. I do hold love in my heart and I do still give love, I am just feeling like being extremely cautious. I have to know I am not going to be treated in a bad way before I can trust again. I want some assurances but I have no idea what they are right now.