Good Enough?

I think I understand what I am feeling a little better than I did before. I am almost positive that the reason I am still angry is because I am not good enough. I think I have always known it but when it really hit me was when he actually broke up with me. I am sure I was in denial because of all the previous times he dumped me. I know that I am so flawed I can't get out of my own way on occasion but to continually throw me away? I know that I am angry as all get out because it was a matter of like two days before he was out seeing other women.I used to think I had meant more to him than that but I never really did. I used to think I mattered, but that all changed. 


A part of me always hoped that I was the one he couldn't forget, the one that would leave him breathless at the sight of me, the one that no one else could ever compare to. What I discovered in the last 5 months was that I am not. I used to think we had an epic love, one that was going to carry us through anything. A huge part of me always hoped that I was more than I was. 


I realize we are 'seeing' each other at this point but I have no trust in him at all. He still has all kinds of womens pictures on his phone and their numbers in his cell. I don't know for sure but I also believe he may have saved texts from these women. BUT, since we are not boyfriend/girlfriend then who am I to complain. I also have the hurdle of people in his life seeing the real me. The one none of them has taken the time to actually know, which makes me wonder what is said about me when I don't know about it.


This is all so very scary to me. I have a billion and one questions in my head that I would love to have answered but I pretty sure they will never be answered. I've only done this once before, tried to give someone a second chance, it bit me in the ass. This literally would be Tim's sixth chance. I really don't want to get bit in the ass ever again, so until I know without a doubt that I matter there is no way I am letting my guard down.