Ok its been months since I have written anything on this blog because Tim threw me away on February 24, 2011. I had a very hard time with it because it just didnt make sense. I tried for a few weeks after to figure it all out but gave up because I just couldnt see where I went wrong. I am not saying I am perfect at all just that I tried really hard in that relationship to be the best person I am and treat a man the way he should be treated and hope I got the same in return. Well that all worked for awhile and then one day wham it just ended and on this day, I found out I was right all along. Now I dont enjoy that I was right and I take no higher meaning to it, just a sense of an aha moment I think.
Well lets turn this up a little notch. Since the breakup we had spoken maybe 2 or 3 times. Never anything meaningful and always short and polite. Basically hi, how are you and where is this and thanks. So imagine my suprise, knowing that I was finally feeling good about being alone and life being ok, Tim contacts me and wants to know if i can meet him for coffee. We messaged each other back and forth for a bit then he called me and we talked. We decided that I would go meet him for a coffee.
I had plans this morning and originally we were to meet at 2 PM. Well during the phone conversation last night he asked if I could come earlier. I told him when I was done running errands I would call and let him know I was on my way. So, I finished my errands and called to say I should be to his house in 45 minutes or so.
I get there and he opens the door and I didnt really know what to say, so I think I muttered so whats up? He said nothing and we awkwardly stood at the doorway for a couple minutes. Then we walked into the living room and talked for a second and he asked if I wanted to go get that coffee and exchange my necklace that I had bought. I said sure and proceeded out to the garage, he stops in the middle of the kitchen turns and asks for a hug, which I gave him. He had tears in his eyes and mumbled that he missed me. Ok here is where I get confused.
We went got coffee, took my necklace to be exchanged and then I treated him to lunch. We made a lot of small talk about all the women he dated in the last 5 months and how they didnt compare to me, I felt pleasantly suprised and intrigued as well. I had figured he was way over me months ago and that I meant nothing at all to him not even a friend.
We ate, then went back to his house. We sat on the couch and decided to watch a movie, it wasnt that great. About 20 minutes into the movie he grabs my hand and asks if it is ok to hold me hand. I let him all the while thinking to myself that I had no idea where this was going or how to proceed. I looked at him and he had tears in his eyes. He then proceeded to tell me that he had been thinking of me a lot since he broke up with me and that lately he was thinking of me more and more often. I was in shock. I didnt really expect this conversation to ever happen and was almost in denial that it actually was taking place. We discussed how things happened and the real reason he broke up with me and then he asked me to give him a real hug. He then kissed me, another shock.
We sat back down, movie forgotten and talked some more. I made it clear that if we try again I was in no hurry to be treated like i was before and that no outside influences would be a consideration for how the relationship was. That being said he wants to be friends, still confused if you havent guessed. Call me weird but if I want to hold hands with someone and kiss them, then I want more than a friend title. I want to know that I am the only one whose hand is being held and that I am the only one whose mouth is being kissed. A 'friend' doesnt get those rules. Please dont get me wrong, I do not want to go back where we were no do I want to jump into the frying pan. I would like some security knowing that if he is serious, I deserve a different title than just a 'friend'.
I dont think I am asking too much. I have not been with anyone else at all since the break up. I have not had sex with anyone and I have not gone on any dates. I was just comfortable with being single and being a good mom to my kids. Where did that leave me when I finally left his house about 7 hours later? I guess right where i was when I got there only confused and bewildered. I am in no way wanting to rush anyone into anything. I would love to have a relationship where it just develops. No time line, no saying this is where we have to be in x amount of dates, or months. I guess what I want is an assurance. Which I didnt get. I know that since I kissed him and held his hand I am not going to attempt to talk to other men, nor do I have myself on any dating sites. I will not answer phone calls from another man looking for a relationship, I have deleted all previous men that I once chatted with and I do not intend to speak to them at all.
So, this is where I leave you. Me wondering and you with all the answers. Will I get any, do I deserve any and how do I feel?
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